fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
