um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we're making bets on your personal life
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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