I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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