Sry I called you an 8
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
false alarm, still single
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
