This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
