there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
