dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
