I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
