I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
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