sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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