I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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