we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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