I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
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Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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