somebody snuck up and got me drunk
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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