I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
