New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
God, I missed his penis.
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