u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
