loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
