Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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