true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
