i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
