looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
