is your mom at the bar?
White coat. Heels.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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