Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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