My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
