explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
