I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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