Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
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He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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