Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
