You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
