I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
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You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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