I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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