Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
