My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
