my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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