I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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