he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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