If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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