i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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