They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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