just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
