A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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