he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
