That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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