So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
