Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
