Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My Higher Power is John Stamos
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
