My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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