you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
