Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
