Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
