I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
