i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
