Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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