dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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