hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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