got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
