I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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