Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
