Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
