Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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