I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
