I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
