I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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